My dream February 8, 2010

I woke up this morning thinking about a dream I had. I dreamt that I had been at work, wondering how I should get out of there. And then, I remember it clearly, thinking that perhaps today is the day I will quit. Perhaps, today is the day I decide to pick myself up and do something drastic. Rather than spending my days miserable in the same place, maybe I should just quit and hope for the best. Surely I did move to Oxford without a job or a flat, hoping for the best. So why can’t I quit my job now, and hope for the best? So why allow myself to get comfortable on my low wage in a place I really like to think that I don’t belong in? I pondered about it for quite a while, called my boyfriend for advice during my lunch break. To my surprise he wasn’t sure of what I should do. Rather than his usual “get up and leave!!” speech he told me that I had to go with my own instincts and that only I can know what to do. Indeed, it was a weird dream.

In my dream the day pressed on and I kept coming back to this idea, that today was the day. At the end of my shift I approached my manager and I told her that I’ve been thinking about it all day and I finally decided to quit. She looked up quickly, smiled, nodded and simply said ‘ok’ and kept doing her chores. I felt uncomfortable. I felt like I had to explain myself so I started rambling about how I felt it was time and that I wasn’t angry or upset about anything. I just felt that it was enough. She kept smiling and said that it was ok. I told her that I would like to work for another 2 weeks. That was ok too. No reaction. I could’ve told her that I was going for my lunch break, it didn’t seem to bother her. It was ok.

On my way home I called my boyfriend and told him that I quit. He sounded shocked and surprised, but happy. When I came home we went to the local Indian restaurant to celebrate. We spoke about how we had eaten there our first night in our flat, and now we were back. Hopefully at another crossroad. Food was delicious. Service was poor. On our way home it was cold. I shivered lightly, pulled my jacked tighter around me but felt happy in a way I haven’t felt in a long time.

The next morning I woke up realising that it really wasn’t a dream. But it seemed so surreal that I have to keep reminding myself that my stay in this shop is coming to an end. I really did quit. When I came to Oxford I wanted to try to work in retail because I’ve never done it before. I have done that now, fulfilled maybe not a dream, but at least something I wanted to try.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Check.

Although I should be in sheer panic because I won’t have a job in 2 weeks, I feel a sense of peace that I didn’t expect. Let’s just hope that it leads to something better. If it doesn’t, well… it can’t be that much worse

I never thought that it would have such a profound effect on me. Although I knew that my work made me miserable, I never knew how miserable. Sometimes I would think that I was just exaggerating and that it really isn’t that bad. But just telling my boss that I’ll leave in 2 weeks has lifted such a weight of my shoulders. I feel, for the first time in months, some kind of peace.

It’s lovely. I’m off tomorrow, I’m gonna enjoy some good sleep now.

Life is like an ever-shifting kaleidoscope – a slight change, and all patterns alter.